“You might want to learn how to touch-type”, my new employers told me, “you’ll probably be taking notes at meetings.” Dutifully, I’ve started learning how to use all my fingers when typing, but now I worry that I’m groping my computer.
My previous ‘technique’ consisted of banging down on the keys with my index fingers. It felt much more businesslike. It helped me keep a healthy distance from my computer– I knew what I wanted the computer to do and the computer did it. It was loud, inefficient, and, most importantly, unsexy.
Now, with the help of this website, I’ve finally taught myself to use all of my fingers to type. For those who don’t really know about touch typing technique, I’ll try to explain: Basically, each finger is assigned a base location and has specific keys to hit. You keep your fingers close to the keyboard, cutting out the unnecessary effort (and time) expended by repeatedly lifting and lowering them. An unfortunate drawback is that it’s also quite sensual.
Being inexperienced, touch-typing is a slow and lingering process. My fingers don’t quite know where the keys are. I drag my digits slowly across the contours, trying to hit the right spots. They never leave the keyboard. Whereas before I was able to keep the contact to a minimum, now I can’t help but to caress the keys as I try to learn proper technique.
It’s all a bit awkward really. I can’t help but feel that touch-typing is a bit improper, and that mother certainly wouldn’t approve. It’s also worrying. Worst-case scenario: in a fit of London loneliness, I’m sat alone with my computer one night, touch-typing. Deprived of human contact, I begin to fall for my computer– like that bloke from V for Vendetta. I then decide to marry my computer, and become one of those bizarre sad acts that you read about on Page 3 next to the lady with her tits out. I attempt to consummate the marriage and end up in A&E, joining the bloke with a ketchup bottle up his arse in becoming a piece of folk-lore that junior doctors tell each other in hushed tones.
No. I won’t allow it. I can’t. Maybe I should stop writing blogs and instead be a vlogger.
Actually, sod that. I’d rather try to shag a laptop than become a video blogger, no contest.